Destiny

The nature of destiny is a force everyone must reckon with if they wish to control it. Whether this planning or goal making is taken seriously or not is almost irrelevant. It also may be illusory. Accidental deaths and mishaps and often the arrival of an unexpected child can make a mockery of plans, but we decide whether they are only detours or a derailment.

The following are two quotes from Joseph Conrad's books (yes, again!) which brings the subject of destiny into sharp focus:

It is a fact that in every man (not in every woman) there lives a lover; a lover who is called out in all his potentialities often by the most insignificant little things- as long as they come at the psychological moment: evanescent attitude, the curve of a cheek often looked at before, perhaps, but then, at the moment, charged with astonishing significance. These are great mysteries, of course, magic signs.

Pairing off is the fate of mankind, and if two beings thrown together mutually attracted, resist the necessity, fail in understanding and voluntarily stop short of the- the embrace, in the noblest meaning of the word, then they are committing a sin against life, the call of which is simple. Perhaps sacred. And the punishment of it is an invasion of complexity, a tormenting, forcibly tortuous involution of feelings, the deepest form of suffering from which indeed something significant may come at last, which may be criminal or heroic, may be madness or wisdom- or even a straight if despairing decision.

The last sentence makes me freeze up inside. In addition, I know perfectly well why I feel that way. The conclusion is that one would, basically, self-destruct I believe. Most people are raised by their parents to do just that- self-destruct. I was not "programmed" that way and so for me the hopeless situation is that of hanging on in quiet desperation. There really is no such thing as a hopeless situation but it can often feel that way.

I see no less than about four destinies lying before me- all manufactured by myself. Then, there is the destiny that everyone believes will become of me, in their mundane formulaic lives. Then there is the one that haunts me every now and then:

I used to take the bus downtown and into very run-down, rough neighborhoods when I was quite young. (A preteen they call it now.) I would observe the old, the very poor, the extremely old, the rowdy youths and what I thought of as freaks back then. I would imagine I was that person- each one in succession and decide how I could change this destiny I observed. How to change the course of time, fortune and attitude?? I wondered all these things and then eventually made my way back home and would settle into the comforts of me. I learned to like being in my skin but I never have shaken the idea that anyone of the destinies I saw before me could eventually be me, my life, my destiny. It has built compassion in me, fortitude that I seldom let anyone see and a strange fear that I keep warmed up so that I never forget.

Many people don't realize that destiny is always in the hands of our Creator. He holds all the plans, whether they come from Him or elsewhere, in hand, like a pack of cards but the ultimate decisions are already made by Him. He knows our deepest desires and He considers them because He made us the way we are and He didn't make us the way we are to change us. He made us the way we are to equip us for the destiny which was already set from the beginning of time. He merely wants to change our attitudes so we can deal with destiny as it happens and cope with destiny when it's done.
Hence this prayer: http://castlelady.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!F29367B89E011214!1853.entry

The Castle Lady, sending you off

with hugs and kisses!

a dying chase

led down a corridor

of ultimate choices

a maze of subjugating magnitude

should I return?

and was there ever a start?

wasn't there a time

when the word "choice"

had no meaning?

destiny is the journey toward origin.

- from Seasons of the Heart by Evelyn M. Wallace

Copyright 1988 Saxifrage Books

available from http://www.jeanniemay.com/seasons.html

Not your typical woman

It is from reading Joseph Conrad, extensively, that I finally realized I am not a typical woman. It's possible I never will be because I seem to inspire more fear than love. This is only my conclusion but I have a lot of emotional evidence to prove my theory.

Here are some typical passages by Conrad from his books:

The sincerest of women will make no unnecessary confidences to a man. And this is as it should be.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.

As to honor- you know- it's a very fine medieval inheritance which women never got a hold of. It wasn't theirs. Since it may be laid as a general principle that women always get what they want, we must suppose they didn't want it.

We could not stand women speaking the truth. We could not bear it. It would cause infinite misery and bring about most awful disturbances in this rather mediocre, but still idealistic fool's paradise in which each of us lives his own little life- the unit in the great sum of existence and they know it. They are merciful.

A woman may be a fool, a sleepy fool, an agitated fool, a too awfully noxious fool, and she may even be simply stupid. But she is never dense. She's never made of wood through and through as some men are. There is in woman always, somewhere , a spring. Whatever men don't know about women (and it may be a lot, or it may be very little), men and even fathers do know that much. That is why so many men are afraid of them.

- from Chance

Women find their inspiration in the stress of moments that for us are merely awful, absurd or futile.

- from Lord Jim

I am quite possibly one of the few females who have made the grave error- twice now- of confiding secrets to the wrong men, thinking they were "safe". This grave error constitutes that I most likely need a confidant but have found no one worthy. I am either the worst kind of scoundrel or a saint, according to Conrad. However, I don't see myself as either one.

For the first half of my life I was surrounded by females with their ideas, ways and proclivities too much, merely out of professional necessity. Dealing with men is a refreshing change for me. Unfortunately, I have this annoying habit of sticking with the truth. Apparently, it rankles everybody, both genders certainly. No man has ever been afraid of me because I was a fool- quite the opposite! Lastly, some of my best writing has come out of a beautiful, simple and apprising moment. I call it an apercu! I can certainly write about horrible or awful occurrences but I wouldn't exactly refer to it as "inspired" writing. Quite the opposite, actually.

Perhaps the only quote from Conrad which bothers me is the idea that some coquettish woman, buttering up some poor male sap with her flattering nonsense, is considered merciful. Lies aren't merciful. They are the principal sin in this world and in the next. You can quote me on that.

I can quite honestly say there are some women I detest because they redefined our role to that of dependence, immaturity and factitiousness. It is not just galling to strong women, either. Even men are beginning to bristle at these ways simply because they have started to feel a need for a true helpmate- not a playmate!

The Castle Lady will embrace you with the lovely truth!

Pursuit

Whatever one wishes to call it, there is such a thing as a "revolution of the mind". A point at which one finally receives a revelation so brilliant, mind-expanding and brand new that he suddenly distances himself from everything and everyone who fettered his mind with old, rotten garbage and "stinking thinking" (I like to call it).

Ever wonder what causes these apercus? Desperation, at times, and perhaps acute boredom with intolerable situations. Perhaps something like an apple falling on one's head to make them aware of gravity, especially if one's aim is to defy gravity. We must know what we are up against if we are to invent the antidote, n'est ce pas?

What is it that stops you from pursuing your dream? No money? Lack of support? Do people think you're plain old crazy? This is the opposition all movers and shakers face whether it's a team of scientists wagging their collective heads, debtors that want to shake you down or swindlers who only want to take advantage of you and your positive mind set.

You must decide that no matter what the resistance to your sound and ambitious idea, nothing can or will stop you. Be determined that you can achieve it and then nothing can deter you. The only thing that can prevent your endeavor is yourself.

In the book "Building Your Field of Dreams", Mary Morrisey stated quite clearly that the most important aspect of achieving aspirations and dreams is building a support system behind yourself so that you will have people around you who believe in you and what you're trying to achieve. They may not be directly involved in the work but they are your cheerleaders and the ones who will steer you back on track if you should get blind-sided or sidetracked.

Ultimately though, you must decide that your pursuit of your dream takes precedence. It must be your ultimate goal and your reason to get up in the morning. Without that, you can and will be stopped. If you do this then life cannot get in your way no matter what happens. It will only be a detour which you can navigate more easily.

Plans can be cancelled, your pursuit cannot.

The Castle Lady planting seeds and a kiss!